A Calm Before the Storm
by speedgriffon
Summary: Joker/EDI fluffy one-shot. Mild spoilers for ME3 as it is set kinda sorta at the end of the game's events. There may be more where this came from if I get enough positive feedback.


It is quiet. _She_ is quiet.

Joker sits there, in the dimly lit mess hall, trying to find even the slightest reason to return to the bridge, but as he stares at the mechanics in the ceiling, he is met by that humming silence. Bringing his hand to his head, he removes his cap, running a hand through his short hair. It's been a frustrating few weeks; hell, it's been an interesting few years, and while he wouldn't trade his spot on this crew for any other job, it is hard to ignore the stress. There's a new type of tension in the air and Joker knows this isn't just another tricky trip through the Mu or Omega 4 relay- this time, regardless of the outcome, the entire galaxy would _never_ be the same.

The route had been set over an hour ago after the commander decided they would begin their assault on Cerberus Headquarters immediately. It would take another few hours to arrive in the Horsehead Nebula, giving the crew the chance to catch up on both sleep and tie up loose ends. Many had retired to crew quarters, and thanks to EDI, auto-pilot allowed even Joker to get some R&R. He smirked to himself, wondering if she knew he was much more comfortable on the bridge.

Regardless, he sat leaning against the island of the small kitchen, staring at the empty mess hall. Sandwich in hand, he thought about visiting some of the crew, but the struggle it had been for his body to even make it down a floor shook the thought straight out of his head.

_Probably doing what they were doing before Ilos and Omega 4 anyways_…

Joker smiled again; danger and fear of death really did get people's hormones going. On the old ship, even Mordin assumed the relationship between Joker and EDI was much more than what it was. He laughed at the thought, but then froze, lips tightening as he realized EDI wasn't the same AI she was the previous year. Now, the rumors might have some basis. He caught himself from daydreaming as the main battery doors slid open, an unusually relaxed Garrus immerging, stripped of his armor.

"Joker," he sounded only mildly surprised. Seeing him outside of the bridge was like seeing Tali outside of engineering. "Something wrong?" he mused, tilting his head. Joker swallowed a chunk of his small meal before rising one eyebrow.

"Does something need to be wrong for me to be here?" he laughed as Garrus seemingly rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. "I was hungry and EDI kinda forced me to take a break," he explained before eying his civilian clothes. "What are _you_ doing out of the main battery?"

"There's more to me than calibrating the guns," he reassured. Joker nodded, eyeing the other end of the floor where the elevator was.

"Yeah, when you aren't calibrating the weapon's system you're calibrating Shepard's-"

"Keep talking and you'll end up as ammunition for the Thanix Cannon," Garrus's voice rumbled as he spoke, but the small incline of a chuckle at the end of his sentence relieved Joker. He didn't feel like breaking anything. A small silence came between the two men and Garrus sighed. "Do you think she'll want some company?" he lowered his voice this time, and Joker refrained from teasing his concern.

"Uh yeah, sure," he offered a grin, still trying to wrap his head around the commander's relationship with the turian. Then again, he wasn't one to judge when he found himself staring at EDI's body more and more. He was convinced cross-species relationships made more sense than his interest with the ship's artificial intelligence. "She could use a distraction,"

Garrus's mandibles twitched, and while Joker was no expert on turian expressions, he wondered if the man just smiled. In return, he nodded, turning towards the elevator. Just like that, he went on his way, and Joker suddenly was met by the awful image of his commanding officer and Garrus doing things no vid could ever describe. A small chill met his spine and he winced, struggling to find his own diversion.

On the way back to the bridge, he found more empty seats, many of the lights dim or blacked out as the ship made one if its final journeys before the assault on Earth. In the distance, he noticed his pilot's chair, sighing as he contemplated sleeping in it. As he neared, he noticed a flash of silver come over the controls and he realized EDI was sitting there, her head turning left and right as she monitored the ship.

"EDI," he called, standing over her shoulder. She didn't pause at all and he arched his eyebrows up. "What's going on?" he asked.

"I apologize for occupying your seat, Jeff," she glanced at him for a moment before flicking her eyes back to the many open monitors. "But I must work at a higher output capacity to compensate for the abandoned work stations," Joker gulped, moving so he could see just how quickly her eyes were dancing across the screens.

"Come on EDI, we were able to monitor the ship when the crew was abducted by the collectors," he smiled as she froze for a moment before continuing, albeit slower than before. "You'll have to do better than that," he teased. EDI finally stopped her movements, but kept her hands over the console.

"Initiating auto-pilot would delay our arrival to the Anadius system by 4.78 Earth minutes," she spoke. Joker chuckled, causing EDI to turn her head away. He sighed, moving a hand to hold the top of the chair. It was getting tiring for him to stand there.

"I feel like you don't want me up here, E," he leaned down a bit and blinked as her hands moved to her lap. "Where am I supposed to go?" he was careful to keep his tone down, in an effort to trick her. Slowly she looked up at him and he gulped, cursing the fact he could now know when she was troubled.

"I suppose you are correct," she moved slightly, before turning the chair in his direction and standing up. She moved past him, but he turned, making her pause. "Yes?" she tilted her head, and he felt his face scrunch up.

"Is there something wrong with you?" he watched as her eyes stilled and he flatted his lips as she shook her head.

"Tests conclude there are no faults in my system programing," she nodded. "I assure you there is nothing wrong," she moved again but now, Joker found his hand reaching to grab hers. EDI looked at him, turning her body to face him once more. "Yes?" she repeated. He rolled his eyes.

"I meant with _you_," he paused as she blinked. "Emotionally," he continued, rattling his own brain as he tried explaining the situation to himself. EDI was still machine, still synthetic; she shouldn't be able to have organic thoughts, and yet she did. She laughed and showed interest in human behavior, and most shocking, in him. Shaking his head, he focused back on EDI as she glanced at him.

"I am," she looked down at his hand still wrapped around her own. "Concerned,"

"Bout," Joker leaned forward a bit, causing EDI to make a small humming noise.

"What my purpose will be at the conclusion of our mission," she stared at Joker and he let out a short laugh.

"Assuming we survive," he watched as EDI blinked again, her expression unchanging. He pulled his lips back again, wondering if he could even call her facial movements _that_.

"I am synthetic," she reminded. "I have a 96.43 percent higher rate of survival," she moved herself closer to him. "If you wish, I can locate your body and repurpose it for my own pleasure,"

"Uhh," Joker felt his throat tighten as EDI grabbed his other hand.

"That is a joke," she smiled and he could only copy it, his heart warming only slightly.

"We need to work on your material," he mumbled. EDI nodded.

"I also wish for a better material," she moved a hand to brush against her metallic skin, making Joker chuckle once more. "I feel I am unable to participate in this relationship as I am expected to,"

He froze, staring at her as she glanced down to examine herself. What? If he wasn't mistaken, it sounded like EDI was… self-conscious of her body. More than that, she had finally acknowledged the time they spent together as something more than pilot and ship.

"What'da mean?" he quipped, causing EDI to rest her hand on his arm. He shivered slightly at the cool metal touching his skin. It was smooth and for a moment, he thought it better feeling than that of a human's.

"Intimacy," she glanced down and Joker wondered if EDI could feel bashful. He certainly felt awkward, but knew he was the only reason EDI was the way she was to begin with.

"Come on EDI, there are other ways," he laughed as she blinked rapidly, her mind undoubtedly processing the information. He wondered if she was attempting to find sci-fi pornography and clenched his teeth. _Now_ he felt stressed. "Anyways…" he attempted to divert her attention.

"Perhaps," EDI's hand clenched his arm a bit and he winced, only a little pained. "We could attempt one of these ways,"

Joker froze, and reached back, struggling to find his balance as EDI leaned into him some more. He fell into the chair behind him, and while the impact definitely hurt, he ignored it, too fixed on the 'sexy robot body' hovering above him. But then he felt the thumping in his heart and sighed. His inner lover-boy was emerging.

"Hey," he reached up as she lowered herself down, one knee landing over each side of his leg. He gulped as she squatted there and nearly lost his thought. "Maybe we can take _this_ slow," he attempted a smile and watched as EDI processed this information. "You know," he felt sheepish. "Cuddle or something,"

"This chair does not provide sufficient room for 'cuddling'," she tilted her head and Joker raised an eyebrow.

"But you thought there was room for…" he broke off, not even sure what to call any type of sexual interaction with her. EDI smiled, breaking him out of his rambling thoughts.

"This chair is perfect," she chimed, observing him as he slowly caught on.

Again, he felt a joy he didn't think was possible for him, especially given the circumstances. He inclined the chair back as much as it would, and reached up, his hand pushing on her back so she folded against him. He knew she didn't have the function or ability to sleep, but smiled, finding comfort knowing she was willing to at least pretend for him. As he felt his eyelids become heavier, he clutched her tighter, knowing now he had something worth fighting for.


End file.
